In the military we drill for a lot of things….especially during general quarters (A condition of readiness when naval action is imminent) and we call them Immediate Action Drills (IADs). These drills can be done with so many different scenarios. For example, on all my instructor outings we discuss meet-up location and discuss exits and fastest way out should something happen (explosion, terrorist act, active shooter, etc.). Seems a little over the top? Perhaps, but hesitation can kill and the lesson is that if we hesitate or fail to take precise actions, we could possibly die.
In the parenting world, many families have an IAD if there was a fire in the home, or your child is approached by a stranger, or if someone is breaking into the house at 3 am. However, we need them for other times when they could serve us well. For instance, what is your IAD for when your child is disrespectful to you? I am always surprised when a child rolls their eyes or talks back to a parent. What is MORE surprising is when the parent doesn’t do anything about it. Parents make excuses like, “pick your battles” or “let things go” or they want to avoid “drama” instead of reassessing and reacting. They hesitate and fail to correct those attitudes in the moment and they miss the powerful learning opportunity. If you are immediate and consistent with your responses your child’s behavior is immediately corrected. If the kids are used to being coached on why you reacted to their disrespect, your intense response will not be upsetting to them and will keep them from doing it again. I try be very consistent on the workout floor as to not confuse students on what the standard is for behavior and my swift and immediate reaction should they fall below that standard.
Someone commented last night on how well-behaved my dogs were in listening. They jokingly said, “Can you come over and do that with my kids?” Training kids and dogs are not that far apart. Operant conditioning is a learning process in which behavior is molded by largely controlling two factors: one’s environment and the consequences related to one’s behavior. You have to control the relationship you have with your child, as with a dog. Whether it is a three-year-old who wants to touch something you don’t want them touching or a puppy that tries to chew up your favorite pair of shoes, they are going to test the waters on a regular basis. Therefore, that level of control has to be there from you. Remember, you control the environment and resources. It is a very powerful position. It is a balancing act to find that right level of discipline. The discipline should be the bare minimum to get the point across. It should be commensurate with the crime. It should happen immediately so that the child (or dog) doesn’t get confused about the reason for it. It should be devoid of emotion so that the discipline is doled out by a calm, clear-headed parent (or dog trainer).
Just like we have IADs for bad behavior, we should have the same when there is good behavior. Positive reinforcement is a key ingredient of raising a child or a dog. If we fail to notice the good stuff, we may extinguish those good behaviors for good. Overall, it is important to keep your training consistent. It will take hard work and dedication. Building your child’s confidence is probably the single most important aspect of rising a well-mannered and productive child into a successful, hard-working, decent and confident adult.